My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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