i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
