soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm like, not good at living.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
