My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
