i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
