Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
