The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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