we have officially lost it.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
