Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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