listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
