thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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