Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
