I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
