my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
