You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
