My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
