There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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