Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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