there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
