Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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