When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
