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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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