Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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