Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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