At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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