remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
