You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
