morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
