At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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