i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Randomize
