Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
