Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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