probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
