What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I will pee on everything he values.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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