Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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