I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
