nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
