this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
