My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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