Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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