Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
