Got a toothbrush?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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