The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
