i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
