Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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