Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
