Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
