I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door