just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
