It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
