happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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