So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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