watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
