weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
