Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
